Mostly, I’ve been grieving. Nothing bad has happened to me, Steve, or our immediate family in the last six months. It’s fucking amazing!!! I haven’t gone this long without a disaster since 2007! I’m scared to let my guard down and think that it’s all over, that maybe things will go right for me for a while. I’ve been in survival mode for years, pushing my emotions aside to deal with the next tragedy, and now my emotions are so far buried I don’t know how to access them. I’m so shut down that I don’t feel anything – not happiness, not sadness, not excitement, just nothing. It’s like trying to hammer a rock through a funnel -- a lot is going on, but nothing is happening. Even my therapist was getting stumped on how to get through to me. BUT In the past few weeks, I have finally made some cracks in the rock. Stuff is coming out, and I’ve been an emotional mess. I will get through this, but it’s going to take a long time, and I’m scared it’s all going to come out at once and completely overwhelm me.
I’ve been attending a suicide support group at the Crisis Clinic once a month. On one of my visits, I met a woman named Cassie whose father committed suicide. She is my age, loves to draw, used to live in Utah, and is a recovering Mormon like me. What are the odds? We met for happy hour last month, and it was wonderful to talk with someone who “gets it.” I’ve found the support group helpful that way. It’s a room full of people who understand what it’s like, and who have stood where I stood, and they don’t shy away when I talk about my dad. I feel safe there because suicide is not a conversational taboo, and I am amazed and startled by the things that come out of my mouth. It’s like my brain is finally able to put words to what’s troubling it and happy for the outlet. I say something and think, “Oh! That’s why I’m upset. I had no idea that’s what I was really feeling. That makes total sense now. Duh!” I am under orders from my therapist to attend “as much as humanly possible.” Cassie and I met for dinner before the group last Monday, and then we attended together. Having someone I know there with me helps me speak up more.
My due date is this month – the 18th. It’s been messing with my mind the past few weeks. I’ve had enough losses to know that the build-up to anniversary dates is harder than the actual day, but I’m still dreading it. I’ve arranged to take that Thursday and Friday off from work and spend the weekend doing whatever I need to. Steve and I decided a long time ago that we wanted a memorial ornament for our lost little boy, and it finally arrived this week. I’m going to display it on our console table on the stairs year around.
Our couch will be delivered this weekend. I’m so excited! We can now pick the colors for our downstairs, paint, and buy the rest of our furniture – most importantly the bookcases for our library!
This past weekend was absolutely gorgeous, and we spent Saturday outside doing yardwork. Our plan this year is to rip out or deck and replace it with a patio. It’s preferable to extending the deck, and I’m getting anxious for some patio furniture so I can spend some time outdoors. I will be able to work from home one day a week starting next week, and I have this fantasy of sitting outside in the sun with my laptop. Much better than sitting in my cubicle staring longingly out the window.
Easter Sunday, we drove to Snoqualmie Falls to hike the trail down to the base. Steve hasn’t done that yet, but the trail was closed due to some construction projects. It will reopen this fall. Oh well. The waterfall was beautiful, the sun was shining, and I was outside. We can hike the trail this fall.
That’s all I have going on for now.
Carolyn
Random Stuff:
Steve and I like to have fun with Tybo’s name (how can you not?). We’ve called him:
Tyblog
Tybully
Tyblimp
Tyball
Tybernaut (my mom called him that)
Cyber Tyber
Eye of the Tyber
Tydork
Tytrip or Tyblock (this cat is constantly underfoot)
And of course, anything of his starts with “Ty.”
Ty food
Ty toy
Ty spot
Ty puke
Ty furballs
Ty meows
(Yes, I know I am turning into a crazy cat lady.)
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