Definite Agnostic

I feel like there are two sides of me. There is the side that searches religion and philosophical wisdom for answers, and there's the side of me that doesn't believe in all that and doesn't care. I'm usually in the latter, but I enjoy taking trips to the former.

I grew up in a Christian religious family, and it's stuck with me no matter hard I try to shake it. When you are part of a religion and you have had faith, it's a powerful thing. I've felt the joy and happiness that comes with a belief in God. I have diaries filled with entries about how I know He exists and how much He helps me in my every day life. I've received powerful answers to prayers, and even the atheist part of me admits there are things that have happened to me that I can't explain away or deny.

The atheist side of me always wins when it comes down to the hardest questions, the biggest one being "Why?" Cliche, right? But it's cliche for a reason. You can give me all sorts of answers to why we're here and our divine purpose, but I'll still ask you "Why?" Why does God need us? Why does there need to be a heaven and hell? Why do we need to be tested? Why does God need to exist? Why do we need to exist? My biggest argument for God used to be that we're too complex to have evolved into the creative and intelligent beings we are today, but that's a weak argument now that we know there are an infinite amount of stars, planets, and universes. That means there's an infinite amount of chances for the perfect conditions to create complex life like us out there.

I'm not going to be into a debate about religion and science right now, but to save you the suspense, I don't think they're contradictory. I think they go hand in hand and compliment each other. Science is how God did it, and that makes science even more amazing to me.

Back to where I was going...

I hope this life is all there is because, I guess, I just don't get what's so special about heaven. Even as a kid and when I was a super religious Christian freak, I never thought about heaven, never really cared where I ended up when I died. I just wanted to be the happy and be the best person I could in this life, and that's still all I want. I don't seek glory, or fame, or try to kiss up to God for the best heavenly treasures. I just want peace, and Christianity complicates that and makes things competitive, and then there's the hypocrisy...Oh geez, I can go on forever, but I'll stop.


I bring all this up because yesterday our neighbor knocked on the door and offered us a free little kitchen playset for my 2 year old daughter Ember. It's super cute! I'm delighted with it, and spent a good chunk of time last night cleaning it up and tightening the screws. Ember loves it, too! She spent the morning playing with it. (Thank goodness, 'cause I wanted to sleep!)

Last night as I was laying in bed, the thought came to me that this may be an answer to a prayer. No, I wasn't praying for a kitchen set. It's been a long time since I prayed, but I worry about money a lot now that I'm a stay at home mom. I wondered if this was God's way of saying He's still looking out for me. He's reaffirming that I made the right choice to quit my job because there are always ways to get around the money issue. It sounds silly, but God doesn't work in big flashy miracles, he works in small, subtle ways that only those who are looking for can see.

God and I declared a cease fire years ago when I went through a shit tsunami, and I felt He let me down. I learned that even if you have faith in God, it doesn't stop bad things from happening. Bad things happen on their own. That also means good things happen on their own, so I can't credit God for every good thing that's happened to me either. If God isn't a huge influence in my life for good or bad, then why bother with Him?

Now I'm considering letting God back into my life. I don't know what that means exactly. I've never been able to find a way to balance all aspects of my life and goals with what I was brought up to believe God wanted from me, and that makes me feel like a giant hypocrite. It also sounds ridiculous to say, "God, I'll believe in you, but only on my terms." Yeah, uh huh. I don't sound like a selfish brat at all.

Now the atheist part of me steps up. I'm probably over analyzing a random anxious thought I had while half asleep. I am an anxious person, and I worry about the strangest things when I'm supposed to be sleeping.

Hmm...I guess it's just something to mull over and get to myselves one.

Cari

Random Quote:

Steve: Should I have turkey, ham, or roast beef on my sandwich? (long pause) I don't hear you answering.

Me: I don't hear me answering either.