Sometimes I can't belief how utterly selfish and cruel I can be. Then other times I can't believe how forgiving and submissive I can be. If there were such thing as the perfect person, it would be someone who has mastered that balance. Sure, it sounds easy on a white screen with black letters, but in practice it's impossible.
I don't know exactly what I'm trying to say here, because I have never been able to understand the relationship I have with this particular person I hurt. It's a love/hate, inconsistent, deceptive relationship on both sides. One of us is filled with unspoken rage and the other is in complete denial about all the hurtful things they have done. I'm not sure how much of it is my selfishness, and how much of it is a misunderstanding on their part about the type of person I am. I value honesty, but I suspect honesty will make things worse, which why I am at a complete loss as to what to do. I keep finding myself in awful situations of my own creating, and sometimes I'm too prideful to admit when I'm wrong. I wouldn't be creating these situations if I wasn't avoiding saying the one thing I want to scream at the top of my lungs. UGH!!! (No, that's not the one thing I want to scream at the top of my lungs. And no, I am not talking about my dad. That's a whole other set of problems.)
I promise the next post will be a lighter mood. I have some funny work stories to share. I just needed to vent.
Later,
Carolyn
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