I switched off the audio book in the car on my drive home today and let my mind wander. I don't usually do this because eventually the irritation of traffic catches up to me and I arrive at home in a frenzied mess, but for the past several days my mind has been overflowing with creativity. I'm feeling hopeful, optimistic, and proud of myself. I am starting to see that life can be good again. This is a startling epiphany, especially considering the time of year.
Friday (October 15) is the 1 year anniversary of my dad's death. I've requested the day off from work, and I plan to spend it relaxing and honoring his memory in some way. It's been a hard year emotionally, and never boring. I have no idea how a year has passed. For the first 6 months after his death, it felt like time had stopped and I was living the same day over and over again. I suddenly woke up and it was summer, and my memories of earlier this year are still sketchy to me. *shrug* Oh well.
During the summer last year, when I was dealing with my dad's stroke, I made up my mind that 2010 was going to be my year, that I was going to spend time taking care of myself and doing things that I wanted to do since all of 2009 was about my dad. I needed my sanity! Barbie suggested we go to Disneyland October 2010 as a reward for all my hardwork. I also decided that even though my dad was having a hard time, I couldn't keep putting my life on hold, and decided that October 2009 was the month I was finally going to marry Steve. You can see why I took it as a personal attack, or an act of revenge for the hell I'd put him through, when he committed suicide a week and half before my wedding.
Despite my dad's death, I've still tried to make this a good year. I went back to school, Steve and I bought a house, we're celebrating our 1 year wedding anniversary (October 24) in Portland, and we're going to Disneyland in 3 weeks! I am also planning to visit my friend Al in Hawaii in January. It's important that I have things to look forward too.
There are a few things that I have learned through my grief that I would like to share. This is my first experience with grief this significant, and it has changed me permanently. I wish there was a way to avoid it, but at some point, everyone will experience a major loss. I hope this helps when it is your turn.
1. Without friends or family, the world is a very lonely place.
2. Stop trying to make sense of things and simply accept them for what they are. Sometimes there are no answers, and the best thing to do is acknowledge what happened and try to make something of it. This is easier said than done, and religious beliefs don't necessarily make grief any easier.
3. It's ok to ask "Why me?!" but don't dwell on it. This answer has helped me,"This is a mortal, frail, imperfect world in which the word 'fair' doesn't always apply." -Bob Deits- Life After Loss. Bad things happen because bad things are a part of life. It's nothing personal, it's just how mortality works.
4. Nothing, and no one, can ever replace someone you have lost. Until you have experienced grief, there is no way to understand how important our relationships are in our everyday lives.
5. Working through grief is not about restoring your life to "normal." That's impossible, because a part or your life is gone forever. Grief is about creating a new "normal," and doing the best you can with what's left. It doesn't mean you can't recover or ever be happy again, it just means that there will always be a scar.
6. Take care of yourself! Eat right, exercise, keep up your regular beauty routine, and don't be hard on yourself. Grief is work. Allow time for sadness and sorrow, but make time for comfort and happiness, too.
I also found this on my step-sister-in-law's blog, and found it extremely accurate and helpful. I hope she doesn't mind that I'm borrowing it.
http://www.ashleydavisbush.com/wp-content/how-not-to-console-a-griever.pdf
Good night, world!
Carolyn
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