Keeping the Hope Alive

As you can see, I updated my blog for the last several months. I guess it’s time to talk about what’s going on now.

I’ve been bored and frustrated with my life, and I feel like I’m stuck in limbo. I’ve planned the next few years around having a baby, but that’s not going as planned. Do I continue to put things on hold or do I move on? I’ve been wanting to go back to school, find another job, or volunteer somewhere. I’d really like to volunteer for the Crisis Clinic or hospice, but given my history I think those would be too intense for me at this time in my life. I thought about the library or Cougar Mountain Zoo, but I rather stay in the mental health field. Though it is tempting to work with tigers…

Last November, a group called the King County Suicide Prevention Coalition came to Evergreen Hospital and gave a presentation on the suicidal patient in the medical setting. The majority of people who commit suicide were seen by their doctor in the month or year prior, but the doctor didn’t screen for it or see the signs. It got me thinking about how the medical system failed my dad. I lived out of state, so I wasn’t there to see and know everything that was going on. I’m not blaming my dad’s doctor or physical therapist, but they were the people most involved objectively in his care, and they did nothing. They weren’t trained to deal with it even if my dad said something to them about it. I emailed King County and got in touch with the woman who runs the Suicide Prevention Coalition. I told her I wanted to volunteer. They’re finishing their third training this month, then having a meeting next month about their strategic planning, goals, and what to do to next. I am attending that meeting. I will let you know what’s decided and how I will be helping out.

I mentioned in my last post about meeting a woman in the miscarriage, stillborn, and infant loss message board on babycenter.com. She wants to make memory boxes for mothers who lost a child. She got a memory box for her miscarriage and it was very helpful for her. She started a Facebook page called Angel Baby’s Memory Boxes, and I’m going to help her with this project. We’re supposed to meet later this week to discuss what we’re going to do.

I think both these volunteer opportunities will help me grieve my losses and turn them into something meaningful and positive. I feel like I have a lot to offer people, and that I can help and inspire others who are grieving. It’s so depressing coming home to an empty, dark house and watching TV until it’s time for bed. There has to be more to life than this. Steve started school last fall (major in accounting) and does homework most nights. I might as well use that time to do something productive. It also gives me time around people who understand what I’ve been through. I don’t mean to criticize or be ungrateful for the terrific support my friends have given me over the years. They truly have been fantastic, and I have no complaints about how they’ve treated me. But there is something you get from being around people who have been through the same things you have that you can’t get from anyone else.

I went to a suicide survivors support group last week. It was my first time going, and it was incredibly helpful. I was in a room full of people who didn’t shy away when I mentioned the uncomfortable topic of my dad. They listened, they asked questions, and they understood me. It helped me see how complex and awful my dad’s stroke, suicide, and estate was. Losing someone to suicide is a unique type of grief, and the most difficult. The fact that it’s been over 3 years and I’m still struggling it not uncommon. Suicide survivors often have a delayed or longer grief period than others. I plan to attend the support group again. I feel there is more of my story that needs to be told. My other blog is http://www.survivorofsuicideblog.blogspot.com/. I am not completely happy with it, but I'm working on it. The more I post, the more I will get idea of how I want this blog to look and feel.

On February 5th, my mom, grandma, and I are going to Hawaii. We’re first flying Kauai, staying for a few days, then flying to Kona for a few more days. I’m excited! I have already started packing.

I am flying back to Salt Lake with my mom. She and Gary are going on a two year temple mission and are going through and getting rid of a lot of their stuff. I’m going to help her and take back a few things I want, including my dad’s cat Tybo. Mom took him when Dad had the stroke, and I told her if she could no longer keep him, then I wanted him. I don’t want him to go to a stranger. He’s a part of my dad that’s still living.

I will let you know how it goes. My next post should have Hawaii pictures!